All Toads to be Burned

A grocery store in London has pledged to burn all toads on 23/04/2011 - exactly 2 years since notorious criminal Oscar Pierce Hamlin failed to turn up for a court date for carrying a kitchen knife. Mr. Hamlin is on London Metropolitan Police's Top Ten Most Wanted list and closely resembles a toad.
International actor, Mr. Toad Esq, of Toad Hall, said "Just because I am a toad doesn't mean I carry a kitchen knife - I can't even hold a kitchen knife. I'm calling my lawyer"
The RSPCA is appealing for the grocery shop to see sense: "we hope that this organisation can come to realise, before it's too late, that Mr. Hamlin is not a toad and does not represent toads as a race - he may look like a toad, but he is not a toad. The toads of Britain do not carry kitchen knives."
The grocery shop - the name of which is not given here to protect it against amphibian attacks - said they plan to continue with burning toads day to show all toads and toad-like people that they will not condone toads carrying knives.

Similar logic from across the pond can be read about here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-11223457

You can do your bit identifying the most wanted criminals in London, here: http://londonmostwanted.crimestoppers-uk.org/

Move over Broad

Flax Bourton CC have just signed an exciting new player at the tail end of the season. Phillips joined the club after a 4 year break from the crease; our research team can exclusively reveal what this mystery player has been doing in his break from a stunning career. Phillips has been hidden in the obscure sport of weight lifting, achieving South West Champion status before attempting a surrepticious return to the bat.
Unfortunately for England selectors, Phillips has already rejected offers to play at the upcoming Ashes and has publically stated he will not return to International Cricket.
In a friendly this afternoon against Brislington 3rd team, Phillips dazzled the cheering crowds with a 6 that was lost in a neighbouring field and even managed a few 4's, which was nothing short of a miracle considering the outer-circle at the team's home ground had not been mown in weeks due to the lawn mower being broken.
A spectator said they had spoken to Phillips and found him to be enjoying the lower-level at village cricket level: "Bell is mad, jumping for a catch and breaking his foot. He should try fielding at Flax Bourton - much more relaxed"

Phillips enjoying fielding at village cricket level.

Elvis Fan Afraid of Old Age

Customers of the Age UK in Rugby, Warwickshire are staying home this week after a customer was badly beaten when he attempted to purchase an Elvis CD from the popular charity shop in the city.
The young man, who has not been named, was forced to defend himself against a brutal attack from former forces man Nick Green, who is thought to be the frontman to a gang who operates from the Age UK store. It is thought that the victim managed to fight off his former Airforce trained attacker, but didn't make it to the till to purchse the CD, fleeing from the shop instead.
Local Youth Miss Emily Chambers said, "I went into Age UK when I first moved to the area, before I knew. Luckily I didn't try to purchase anything or I might not be stood here today"
Mr Green was not available for a statement, but The Observatory speculates this was a hate crime against "modern music".

An alternative view of the incident can be found at: http://www.metro.co.uk/news/837950-elvis-cd-thief-left-all-shook-up-after-great-grandfather-accosts-him


An Age UK shop assistant yesterday

Ass Tests The Kindness of Strangers

Two brothers had a disagreement over the kindness of strangers and, two days ago, embarked on a 7 day trek across the Transpenine Trail from Liverpool to Hull to discover if those old English virtues are still alive. What better test of the generosity of strangers than to walk across the width of the country with no money or other means and to rely entirely on the happy folk of the north to house, feed and wave at them? Logically, they took a donkey with them.
Tom and Mike are 3 days into their quest to settle the dispute over mankind and it seems, from Fergal's diary entries (Fergal is the sensible member of the team) that they're encountering much hospitality and goodwill. You can read Fergal's insights here: http://www.twomenandadonkey.moonfruit.com/#/diary/4542939259

The boys are also hoping to raise money for a Stroke Charity - you can donate here: http://wwww.justgiving.com/two-men-and-a-donkey

Brother Mike is also a bit of a dish, you can see him wearing glasses here: http://www.twomenandadonkey.moonfruit.com/#

The Observatory wishes all 3 (but mostly Fergal) all the luck in the world and speculates the results might be different had they trekked across the South of England...